The news of suicide of one of the greatest artists of our time- Chester Bennington has moved us all deeply. This incident has however, given rise to the alarming notion of depression that we can no longer avoid. It has forced us to look into this matter more seriously than ever. I myself have overcome depression from some time back and decided to write about it so that people who are suffering from this phase can relate and learn that they too, can overcome it. I will write about this experience of mine in 6 parts starting from today, hoping it might help someone somewhere..
How it feels to be depressed
There are several forms of depression and the most common of all is the one where you cannot realize you are being the victim of it. Know all about it from the one who has experienced it all and only got to realize about it towards the end of it. Is it even possible? Yes it is.
I didn’t realize I was suffering from depression when I wrote random notes on how I felt of lack of belongingness to anywhere. Even so, I didn’t feel confident enough to publish those posts. I felt a constant fear of being judged and criticized. I went through severe headaches- 24/7. I felt like my eyes hurt all the time and I couldn’t pass a day without having taken painkillers. My neck started to hurt too and eventually I lost my appetite on food. I couldn’t focus on things and vomiting had become a regular thing. I started to have multiple pimples all over my face. People would always suggest what to do about my face every time they looked at me and it made me feel worse. Acne is something I struggled with all my life but the excessive breakout I faced during the time of my depression was beyond explanation.
I often felt numb due to my headache and lost my grip over things. It grew worse when one day I lost my balance over myself. I did notice that the numbness was starting to take place yet I fell down on the floor losing balance. There were people around me and I was very embarrassed. That’s when I knew that I can no longer run away from what was happening to me. So much of distress without having known what it was or why it was happening.
It is very essential at this time to have someone to tell you that the “disease” you are going through is nothing but an invention of your own self. We humans are designed so intricately by our creator that we have the ability to make ourselves feel in certain ways. When I was suffering through all the distresses that I mentioned, those were creations of my own distressed feelings. Never in my life have I felt this terrible yet I created problems that made me feel that way. My closed ones kept telling me that I had no severe disease to take care of and all these that were happening are only results of my stress but I did not believe them.
I did not want to believe them. I thought how can they not acknowledge my suffering? How can they disregard something that’s not letting me live a peaceful life? You would not believe but I was not having a peaceful life since 7+ months. Each day would pass by in the same manner. May be somedays I would have no headaches, but the tension would grow continuously inside of me. This depression was NOT.LETTING.ME.LIVE. I fell serious victim to it. I was really lucky to have my mother by my side all the time. It’s because of her I realized that I was not sick and I’m only suffering from a short-time abnormal behavior.
To be continued…